Trigger Warning: Infant Loss.
Falling pregnant with our first child seemed relatively easy. We hadn't been married that long, but based on my age we knew that time was of the essence.
He was a gorgeous baby, but not an easy one! Reflux kept him—and us—up a lot!
When we found out I was pregnant again, we were thrilled—but that quickly turned into heartache as I miscarried a few weeks after finding out I was pregnant.
Six months later, it happened again... then again.
Now doctors were getting concerned. Insert numerous tests, my arms being jabbed more than a pin cushion. We found hope in doctors encouraging me to try to different diets and medications.
Pregnant again, hope rises…. then loss.
We resolve to try one last time, and the pregnancy moves past the seven-week stage. At the ultrasound her heartbeat isn’t strong. It’s not looking good. Then the process of loss begins again.
This was my fifth. This hurt more than the others.
I reminded God what industry I worked in. How I help women who are pregnant and considering their options and championing pregnant women…
Friends tried to assure me there was hope, and there is—but it can look and feel different than what we expect.
Hope can feel different for everyone. For me, it was that there was purpose in the loss. That even though I didn't understand the why, that He will work all things to good. That this sinking feeling would one day leave, that He would care for the children I lost, that He knew, cared and understood. That there was fresh hope for tomorrow.
Grief and loss don't always go away. They can rare their heads at your best friend's pregnancy announcement, or another social media gender reveal, or watching people's children graduate Kindy at the same time your children should have.
It's important to acknowledge those feelings and be kind to yourself—while also choosing to rejoice with those rejoicing, because new life is worthy of celebration, and quite likely so are those friends!
Today, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, can be one of those days that bring up memories, emotions and maybe hope deferred once more. Regardless of how this day makes you feel, I encourage you to stay the path. Find the beauty and joy in who you have around you, know that there is more ahead... more grace for another day, more hope for tomorrow, more adventure ahead and more love to share with those around you.